Hello again :)
Is blogging cringe now? Does anyone still do that? I have no idea, but for some reason I decided to post again.
So much has happened so far this year and I think there's only more to come of big events, although I hope the worst is over (except for upcoming exams, help ><). What I really want this blogpost to be about is being selfish and supportive, to rant/vent and speak my mind about some stuff, because that's why we have blogs right, to say whatever we want about subjects we care or think about a lot.
A lot of my friends are doing amazing things now, they have moved to study or just to start a new life, they are doing what they want to do with their lives and finding out who they are. Getting an education, work, or the life they always knew they wanted or were supposed to have from the start.
As a friend it is my job to be supportive and happy on behalf of their success in life and the good things that's waiting for them, but this thing inside of me that's called jealousy and selfishness is just sort of tearing on me and I don't know how to stop it.
I'm not the main character in the movie about my own life, but simply the sidekick or supportive cast. The one who the main character is best friends with or something along those lines, the one who's always on the side watching the main character get the development they deserve and the life they wanted, all the good things, wishing them well and always cheering for their success.
In any "skill" I'm simply bad or average, not good or great or talented in any way. There's a saying I'm sure a lot of people have heard that goes "You'll always find someone who's better than you" which is something I view as "what's the point in trying then?". You see, in school or whatever when I would work my butt off for something and only come out as "ok" when it didn't seem like my friends did anything to be the best and get the best grades, I would of course be jealous and feel stupid. I always compare myself to others but in this selfish way of being "I wish I could be better at just this, know something that they don't, something that's gonna get me somewhere, just anything". I always wanted to contribute with something other than knowing absolutely stupid facts like how tall this one celeb is. Whenever I would say to my friends "I wish I was good at something like you" they would always say "But you are" and then not knowing what because they did their duty as friends, trying to make me feel better.
There are things I like doing but I'm not good at it or... I'm the kind of person who always needs reassurance and praise for the work I do, and when I don't get that, I view it as "I'm not good at this" or "I didn't do a good enough job". The thing is, even when I would get that praise, I don't believe that person because they are friends with me or "supposed" to say that to make me feel better, as in throwing a pity party, that they are not telling me the truth.
Writing was always something I thought I was good at until I started in year 11 of school. I thought I was ok at art until I started in year 11. I loved acting when I was younger because I loved attention and being on a stage, until I started year 8 and being the loud and outgoing one was not a positive thing anymore. I was selfish and annoying, so I became shy and quiet instead, even though that's not what I actually am inside.
I know this might be weird now but stay with me, I see it as this little person inside of my head that was my personality when I was younger, who I'm supposed to be and want to be, but that person was once put aside, hidden behind something and can't get out. She got lost somewhere.
I know I'm selfish. That's fine. I hate being like that but I am. What I really want to be is supportive of my friends who are getting the success they deserve.
I wanna be there cheering for their success and not being jealous of what they have, but I don't know how and it sucks. I don't wanna be that negative person anymore and instead be a supporter. It makes me hate myself even more when I think about it. Oh well, what can you do?
Fake it til you make it.